eight months of dreaming
it's my whole mind
this is the digitization of nearly every dream and dream-related entry I recorded in my journals starting on halloween last year. missing from this are a few astral experiences which I plan to write about separately. how much can I tell you? how much can you know about me? I'm trying to find the line, so I can annihilate it.
october 31 2024
T and I kissed in a still lake. I knew his mouth. We made each other laugh. That’s all.
november 2 2024
A dream last night about, or involving, or invoking, a child.
november 3 2024
I’m on vacation in America with ‘Veronika’ and ‘HH’; discomfort, anxiety, a house party where someone thoughtlessly lets Bug outside and I, terrified of losing her, have to search for her in the dark forest behind the house. Then a hotel room with many beds. The beds are filling up with strange men. My companions leave for their midnight flight without saying goodbye. I feel abandoned, and now I’m alone with the strangers, who are expecting something from me. I know my flight isn’t booked, or I’ve already missed it. Enormous anxiety. I need to pack. There are clothes all over the room; in the bathroom is Bug’s dirty litter box that I’d brought with me, for some reason.
The imminent-travel-that-I’m-late-for dreams are very very common and don’t have resolutions. I’ve never missed a flight.
november 5 2024
Fraught dreams, really unpleasant, kept waking up and then finding myself back in them. I was missing a flight, again–!
november 6 2024
Rotten. Conflict with Dad at Grandma's house. We’re physically fighting. I throw him into the wall. As I do this my skirt rides up. ‘Nice [redacted],’ he says, and then we’re at each other’s throats. I have him by the hair, and in doing this, realize I’m stronger than him in every way.
november 7 2024
E and I are at a waterpark. I ask him not to walk ahead of me, to please go slower – and the conflict of past comes out. But this time I’m controlled, compassionate, and when he isn’t willing to give me what I know I need, I ask to end the relationship without sadness or fear. Serene moments.
november 10 2024
Dream last night – it was very important that it be remembered – but I’ve forgotten.
november 14 2024
Frightening, most frightening dream in recent memory. I woke up in bed to find strange items scattered around the bedroom that weren’t there when I fell asleep: potted sunflower stalks, a smaller closet inside the closet, I can’t remember the rest. This was especially spooky because I, in the dream, had a ‘memory’ of thinking someone was putting the sunflower stalks in the room while I slept. The predicament was cosmically horrifying. I felt somehow exploited. I couldn’t understand how all of these things had been moved into the room without waking me up. Very afraid. At the front door there was a dead woman: head bloodied, body in half. I did that thing I always do in dreams where I dial the incorrect emergency number; no one would pick up. Cloudy from here. Something lunged at me from the bathroom. Then I encountered the idea of ‘boyfriend’. He prodded at another girl and me, trying to get us to make the same noise at the same time. That’s all I remember. I don’t understand any of it.
