diary 2.04

on being chosen

i woke up to fifteen thousand likes on a short video i posted last night about intimacy. fifteen thousand likes registered in me as ‘doing well’. last night, the video hadn’t yet registered in me as ‘doing well’, and i felt overexposed, a little silly, a little too sincere. in the morning when i saw the reaction those feelings lessened. before i went to bed i’d posted about the shy feeling on my story, and someone replied saying, basically, that everything i post is this sincere, so why did this one in particular make me feel shy? it was a good question. the truth is i was thinking about one person seeing it. i was afraid of being found intense. the likes helped because at least other people didn’t think so. i don’t know how to write about this big-feeling plot line with any kind of specificity without total overexposure. ah—