diary 2.02

it's all a bit much

march 7 2026

i made a mistake. it was only after the break up that i realized what the mistake was. the realization came all at once, in that way of something in the corner of the mind but undefined, it suddenly chunked into view, i felt that i’d never not known it. it is this: i have never sought out a relationship with someone i considered a true peer. i’ve only been in relationships with men i thought i could teach, or who could become a true peer through my influence, i’ve only loved men i felt i could haul over spiritual cliffs. in this way i currently feel unsure if i’ve ever truly loved the actual person in front of me, or if the love was always reserved for the eventual idea of them, jammed or stretched inside a future shape. of course this was a terrible cruelty. of course for this i’m a villain, to some, which is, well, fine. from myself i need tenderness, now, compassion, explication—i did this because i thought i had to be useful—i thought i had to be clever—i didn’t know i was allowed to want an equal. safety was created by loving someone from a little ahead—i made myself crucial in this way. this distortion hurt people. i hurt people.